A Quick and Easy Guide to They/them Pronouns
The book is written and illustrated by Archie (non-binary, who uses they/them pronouns) and Tristan (cis male, who uses he/him). It's a quick, light-hearted, and practical guide to how to use they/them pronouns for those non-binary people who like to be addressed that way (not all do). For example:
"Chris put on their jeans and then they went to the supermarket."
Image: Que
The book is written and illustrated by Archie (non-binary, who uses they/them pronouns) and Tristan (cis male, who uses he/him). It's a quick, light-hearted, and practical guide to how to use they/them pronouns for those non-binary people who like to be addressed that way (not all do). For example:
"Chris put on their jeans and then they went to the supermarket."
Image: Queer Utopia: not there yet, hence this book.
There's also a little bit of the why. But not much, because:
Image: It doesn't matter why!
However, I think many people unfamiliar with the idea that gender isn't divided rigidly into two distinct categories often do want to understand why: not to pry into the lives of individuals, but to understand the broader issues. You won't get that context from the book, but you might from this review.
tl;dr
Regardless of how much you understand or approve of this terminology:
• Good manners mean you should try to address people as they want to be addressed, whether that is Khalid, rather than Kal; they, rather than she; or Mrs Webster, rather than Susan. Non-binary people find repeated misgendering demeaning and stressful.
• If in doubt, ask someone what pronouns they use, perhaps by giving yours first (not by asking if they're male or female).
• When you make a mistake, correct yourself, and move on, without making an overwrought apology. Spoiler alert: you will make mistakes.
• Singular "they" is grammatically fine, as explained below.
Basic Terms
"Non-binary", "gender-fluid" or "genderqueer" people don't feel fully, traditionally, or consistently male or female. Like a girl who is a tomboy most of the time, but occasionally likes dressing up in pink frills and doing so-called girly stuff. These people often prefer they/theirs pronouns (instead of he/his or she/hers) and do not like gendered nouns (like woman/man, son/daughter, or girlfriend/boyfriend) applied to them.
Image: Examples of gendered and non-gendered nouns
Grammar of Singular They - it's OK
The grammatical objection is easy to dismiss. Since the demise of thee/thou, you/your has been used as singular and plural. And singular they/their has been used for centuries, by writers including Chaucer, Austen, Byron, Eliot, Trollope, and Dickens, particularly where someone's gender isn't known ("someone left their coat behind"). It's also common generically: in Vanity Fair (1848), Thackeray has Rosalind say "A person can't help their birth.", and I've yet to read a review where anyone complains about it.
The authoritative dictionaries and style guides in the English-speaking world accept it, though there seems to be more resistance among US grammar mavens than those in the UK, where it's always been in common use. If you're British, see Oxford Dictionaries on the matter. If you're USican, see Merriam Webster. If you're in NZ, Canada, Australia, or any other English-speaking country, you'll have to find your own authority. Here are a couple of excellent analyses of the grammar and history:
* OED Blog: A brief history of singular 'they'.
* Motivated Grammar: Singular they and the many reasons it's correct.
You match the verb with "they", which sounds more natural: "they are" and "you are", regardless of the number of people you're referring to (not "they is" or "you is"). For example:
"Chris bought new jeans because they are going to a party tonight."
It can occasionally be ambiguous, but that's easily avoided or fixed.
Terminology
Back to people. Non-binary people are not (usually) transsexuals or medically intersex, and the only correlation with sexuality is that if your gender is not firmly male or female, you're unlikely to identify as completely straight.
* Sexuality is OUTward-looking: who you're attracted to.
* Sex is about biology: chromosomes and reproductive organs. Clearcut for most.
* Gender is INward-looking: who you feel you are. It is usually reflected in how you present yourself to the world. For the vast majority of people, their gender corresponds to what the doctor/midwife/parents presumed at birth (the term for that is "cis").
Image: Genderbread Person v3. (Source.)
See also The Gender Unicorn at transstudent.org
Some non-binary people continue to use their gendered birth name and to have a beard or prominent bust. You can't tell someone's gender just by looking.
Trans is Not the Same
Trans people (transgender/transsexual) feel the gender assigned at birth was wrong, and they transition (not necessarily surgically) to living as the "other" gender full time, permanently.
Transvestites are people who only sometimes dress as their non-birth sex.
Spectrums and Labels
Whereas sex is usually clear, gender is more a matter of degree (and arguably, a social construct), rather than a binary concept (one of two labels).
The idea that gender is not rigidly binary or tied solely to chromosomes is strange to many of us. However, many cultures had and do have words and roles for such people. It's not a modern western invention. See Wikipedia's Third Gender page.
I've never doubted that I'm female, but most of the time, I'm not an especially feminine one, so I can understand and empathise to some extent.
What I can't personally relate to is the need for a label, let alone different nouns and pronouns. I can just be a woman who's sometimes a bit of a tomboy (tomman?!). However, my twenty-something kid is firmly non-binary, as is their partner, so we use they/them for them individually and as a couple.
Be Kind
For me, it comes back to good manners and empathy, without which it is very difficult to have good relationships. And what relationship is more important than between parents and children?
But it goes both ways. Good manners should be applied to those who don't know, don't understand, or just get muddled by new terminology - hence this book. If I slip up (rare, now), and I don't correct myself, my husband or child will. But with elderly relatives, we just model the correct pronouns, but don't correct mistakes. If they love and accept our child, but don't quite get or remember this new-fangled terminology, that's what is important. Context matters, too: I would be unlikely to correct anyone at a funeral, unless they were misgendering the deceased!
Image: Ways to change your language
Who Is This Book For?
Books like this are important, and the authors have a gentle approach to their mission, but I'm not sure they've really thought about their target audience. The format is geared to pre-teens, teens, and YA, but the content is more directed at those unfamiliar with the terminology, most of who are likely to be older. There's a section on how to introduce gender-neutral awareness in professional settings, for instance. But near the end, there's a section on coming out as non-binary, which seems aimed more at youthful readers - though obviously one can come out at any age.
In a nice touch, all the people at the publishing house, are listed at the front, giving their name, pronouns, and job title. (But they're all he/him or she/her!)
Language Change is Pretty Queer
A living language evolves - otherwise "nice pedant" would mean stupid teacher! Even though singular they is nothing new, this particular usage is. Similarly, all the other terms here are subject to change, and even now, what is the norm in the UK may not be the norm in other English-speaking countries.
In particular, "queer" is currently the umbrella term in the UK for LGBTQ+, so encompassing all the above, and more. However, it's also still used as a slur. Don't be shocked if queer people use it, but if in doubt, avoid using it yourself.
Image: More examples of validating language. (Source.)
See Also
• Sally Hines' Is Gender Fluid?, which I reviewed HERE. It also has a very youthful, funky format, though not comic book.
• Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker's Life Isn't Binary, which I reviewed HERE. It starts with sexualities and genders, but goes on to relationships, bodies, emotions, and thinking. Barker likes "they" because "I experience myself as pretty plural".
• Cordelia Fine's Delusions of Gender, which I reviewed HERE, an antidote to Mars and Venus.
• Robert Webb's autobiography, How Not to be a Boy, which I reviewed HERE. He rails against the damage gender stereotypes do to men and women.
Source: https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/36580693
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